This Is Me Without You
by The Spoby Lover
Summary: Trusting others was always the difficult thing about Spencer, but when she gave it to Toby she also trusted her heart to him. And now that he broke them both, what will become of her? A broken heart can be a powerful weapon, but with a broken trust, doubt and anger will take over it. How does one continue on living when they already gave up on it?
1. CHAPTER 1: Safe Haven

A/N: I do not own PRETTY LITTLE LIARS, but I wish I do.

**This story was previously called 'TRUST' but I had to delete the story because no matter how many attempts I try to upload the second chapter, it never showed up on the net. So I had to delete it to fix the problem.**

This story resumes right after Spencer's scene outside Toby's loft in episode 3x16 Misery Loves Company. I will not be basing the flow of the series except for the Ali case developments. So expect that there will be some situations identical to some of the show's.

I developed this fanfic to grieve for the ending (which I really wish is not the end of it albeit the obvious) of my favorite couple, SPOBY. I love this couple so much that it actually became my one and only reason to watch PLL except for SPENCER, of course. And speaking of Spencer, I really hate and love what's happening to her. I love the changes that she's going through but also I'm also hurting to see her like that. Especially on how broken she was on episode 3x18 Dead to Me after seeing the empty '-A' room.

Well, anyways please enjoy this story. First SPOBY/PLL fanfic.

* * *

INTRODUCTION

American History.

_Boring._ Hanna thought as she doodled on her notepad. Of all the subjects that could have been put up first in her schedule, it had to be American History, her least favorite subject. She was good at history, yes. If that history was about fashion designers or bags, Hanna would definitely get an A if that was the type of history class she was attending. But, to her disadvantage it wasn't. This type of history was better dealt with Emily or Spencer. They were the type to bother with this kind of stuff.

Hanna therefor looked at Emily's direction, checking how entwined she was with the subject. But to her surprise, she was worse than what Hanna was doing. Emily wasn't even listening. She was checking her phone.

_You've gotta be kidding, right?_ Hanna thought. "Psst." she called weakly only to fail. She rolled her eyes. "Em!" she said in another attempt, and thankfully this time, Emily heard her plea.

Emily looked at her. "What is it?" she mouthed.

"What do you mean, 'what is it'?" she whispered weakly. "If Mrs. Montgomery catches you using a phone, don't you dare pull me in that mess." she added, but this time, Aria heard them.

"Could you two stop whispering." Aria said as she checked if her mom was staring at them, luckily she was still writing some notes on the board before she officially start the class. She had to make a brief summary of Meredith tackled the week before since she was now replacing her since that psycho attack she did to her and her friends. "Please don't make my mom get angry at the both of you."

"Don't worry Aria. It's not like I'm planning to get us caught." Emily answered back and checked her phone again.

"Who is it?" Hanna asked and then got closer to Emily to prevent the others from hearing. "Is it A?"

Emily shook her head. "Spencer."

"Has she contacted you?" Aria asked. "What did the message say?"

Emily shrugged. "Nothing. She hasn't replied to any message I sent to her."

"That's odd." Hanna said.

"Do you think she's okay?" Aria asked. "I haven't heard from her during the whole weekend."

Hanna shook her head. "I don't know."

Emily sighed. "I hope she's okay."

"Maybe she's with Toby. Cuddling up, you know? Since it was their anniversary last Friday."

Aria shook her head in response. "Spencer wouldn't make herself be absent just because of Toby."

"Unless they broke up." Hanna replied.

"Hanna!" Emily hissed.

"That was a joke." Hanna said in defense.

As soon as Hanna said those words, Ella's voice suddenly filled the classroom, causing for the girls to look at her direction.

"Spencer... you're late." Ella said in a surprise tone. "This is a first." she said. "Class has started 10 minutes ago."

The girls all stared at the person whom Ella is speaking to. At first, it was hard to recognize the person who Aria's mom just called Spencer. For one, is because she looked totally not her. Hanna thought because of those dark circles that formed below her eyes but looking at her outfit, she really seemed not her. The kind of clothes that Spencer usually wore were definitely the opposite of what this girl was wearing at the moment. Spencer was usually the tidiest and chicest among them all when dressed but today it seemed to be an exception. Because today Spencer just wasn't Spencer at all. She was wearing a lace shirt and pants.

_Plain pants._ Hanna thought to herself.

She did not look bad, she looked great actually if it hadn't been for the dark circles that formed under her eyes and the messy ponytail that her hair was tied into.

"Sorry." Spencer answered in a low, crackling voice without looking at Ella. She immediately made her way to her seat.

Aria smiled at her and even waved but Spencer didn't even looked at her.

Emily glanced at Aria and Hanna as they exchanged looks.

"Hey, Spence." Emily asked to test their friend. This way the girls will understand if whether Spencer just didn't notice Aria's greeting or if she actually blew her off.

Spencer looked at her but immediately turned her attention to Ella without even saying hello to her.

Emily sighed.

"_Yep, she definitely blew us off."_ Hanna thought as she made another glance at Spencer.

"Well, before we go and learn about our new topics, I want to know what you've learned from the previous chapters." Ella started as she clapped her hands to gain everyone's attention. "And in order for me to see what you really learned, we are going to test it by having a pop quiz."

_Ugh._ Hanna groan in her head as the others did the same, although out loud.

As the quiz started, everyone was getting ready but to Hanna's and to the other girls' surprise, Spencer didn't even bother to bring out a paper and a pen. She just sat there as her eyes focused on the scenery outside, her mind deep in thought.

Ella noticed it and approached Spencer.

"Spencer." she called making the girl turn her attention to her. "We are about to have a quiz, where's your paper and pen?"

"Sorry, I... I didn't hear you." Spencer said again, her voice cracking even more.

"Are you alright Spencer? You look pale." Ella said. "Do you want to go to the infirmary?"

"Fine." Spencer answered immediately, her voice cold yet crackling still. "I'm fine." she said as she pulled out a paper and a pen out of her bag. "See?"

"If you say so." Ella said, a little concern audible in her voice. She made her way back to the board as she took out a piece of paper. "Okay then. Here's the first question."

Aria, Emily and Hanna gave Spencer one last glance, all of them worried as to what is bothering their dear friend.

Spencer could feel the stares coming from her friends. But she did not care. She didn't want to care anymore of anything surrounding her. She just want to shut them all out. Shut her emotions off so that she won't care anymore. So that she won't get hurt anymore.

"... why?" Spencer heard Ella ask the first question. She knew that it wasn't the full question, but it was only the _why_ that registered in her mind. She tried to listen again to Ella but no matter how much she listened, the only thing that she could hear was why. Eventually, Spencer gave up. No matter how much she tried, she will never understand the question.

_Maybe because the whole structure didn't matter, all that mattered was the why. After all, the why answers everything. Right?_ Spencer thought as she stared blankly at the paper. _Why?_ Spencer asked herself as she struggled to stop the tears that started to form in her eyes. _Why Toby? Why ?_

CHAPTER 1:

Safe Haven

"_I've never had a safe place to land, but now I feel like I do."_

_~ Spencer to Toby_

Lightning struck, brightening up the dark, almost-empty house of the Hastings' for a second. The heavy rain muffling all the noises of that night, making the house seem more empty and darker than it already is.

Spencer was curled up by the entrance of her house. Sobbing quietly to herself as she let herself be completely soaked by the rain. It was cold, way too cold that night, but Spencer didn't mind. No, she didn't care. She didn't care anymore if she was to get sick by letting herself be exposed to the pouring rain, as a matter of fact, Spencer actually wanted to be soaked and to feel the piercing coldness of the night. She wanted, needed desperately to feel something else, something that will distract her from experiencing what she was going through right now. Heartache.

After what seemed like an eternity of shattering inside her, Spencer finally decided to enter her house. It was so dark, and so empty. As expected, no one was there. No one but her. Her mother, who earlier was home, was nowhere to be found but instead a letter was placed on the kitchen table. Spencer opened the letter and read its content. Her mother was suddenly called to attend an 'important' meeting outside Rosewood, and that she would try to be back as soon as possible.

Spencer knew that something like that was going to happen. It was, after all, her parents' signature trait to always not be there for her whenever she needed one of them. She sat on one of the kitchen stools without removing her dripping clothes. She sat still, with her eyes staring blankly at the counter top.

She was lifeless. For the very first time in her life, Spencer felt lifeless... and hopeless. Something that she never ever dared herself to succumb to.

Lightning struck again, and this time, something caught Spencer's attention. Standing by the windowsill was a vase full of flowers. Her heart ached even more at the sight of the flowers. Suddenly, Spencer's view blurred by the threatening tears that formed in her eyes. She immediately ran towards the sink and took hold of the vase before throwing it on the floor. Shattered pieces of porcelain scattered across the room, with water spilling on the rug and flowers flying everywhere. It was a mess. Spencer was a mess.

After the horrid scene in the kitchen Spencer ran to her room. She stood by the doorway, her heart aching even worse, as the memory of Toby and her on the bed flashed in her mind. As soon as the images on her mind appeared, she hurried to shrug it away and lunged in her room so violently that she didn't care if she bumped into something. Spencer grabbed everything that she had of him. Pictures, books, cards, and even the shirts of him were mercilessly thrown against the wall. Everything that she had of him, if not destroyed, were thrown in an empty box. Spencer then turned. Her eyes, still brimming with tears, stared painfully at the thing that she treasured the most of Toby's. She crumbled to her knees as she approached a beautifully carved rocking chair. All the tears that she was trying so hard not to spill finally cascaded down her face.

"Toby." Spencer sobbed silently as she buried her face in her arms while depending on the chair for support. "Toby... why..."

* * *

Spencer woke up the following day curled up on the rocking chair. Spencer groaned, realizing how much stupid it was for her to sleep with wet clothes on. Her head ached, but her heart ached even worse when the events of last night came flashing back to her.

Spencer immediately stopped the memory from crawling back to her as she made her way to find her phone. She needed an explanation. It didn't matter how stupid it sounded. She just wanted to make sure that what she saw the night before wasn't real, that there was something more to the story, something that she didn't know. But, most of all, she wanted to hear him.

The moment she reached her phone, she dialed his number but, to her dismay, the phone call never reached him. She expected it. She practically just made herself a fool to believe that he would keep his number. Who would do that?

Tears started to prickle down again, and this time Spencer just let it all out. Exhaustion took over her again as Spencer surrendered to sleep while tears never endlessly continued to caress down her face.

It was by noon when Spencer woke up. The sun shone eerily too brightly on the cloudless, blue sky. Spencer smirked bitterly at how cruel the world was to her. It was such a beautiful day that Spencer almost wanted to sleep the whole day off. She could do that, she thought especially since she had enough reason to do so. First of all, she just wanted to stay in bed. And, second, because she ached everywhere. She had a headache, thanks to sleeping wet and cold, she almost wanted to strangle herself for being so stupid.

Spencer changed to decent, warm clothing when suddenly her phone beeped. She ran towards the phone hoping that the message was from Toby or, even worse, at least from -A only to be disappointed by her mother's message.

The message informed her that her mom would be back the day after tomorrow, and hopefully she'll come home together with her father. Something which Spencer didn't really look forward to. She just didn't want to see any of her parents. She immediately shut her phone off. Blocking everyone from reaching her.

Spencer hadn't eaten a thing the whole day that's why she knew how stupid it was of her to hit her father's stock of expensive liquor with an empty stomach. Hours passed, and as Spencer became more intoxicated the more vulnerable she was against the hole that was in her heart. Tears, sobs and never ending 'why' echoed inside the Hastings's house as Spencer let the hurt that she had inside her finally eat her away.

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**So that's it for the first chapter. I know it's short and slow but I didn't really want to hurry the first chapter. I wanted you to at least see my take on what Spencer felt. But don't worry, chapter two starts exactly after the Introduction part of my story.**

**Thank you for reading my story. Please continue to read and, if possible, review.**

**I'm open to suggestions and criticism.**

**BTW, English is not my first language but I'm trying my best to make sure that everything I write makes sense.**

**Once again, thank you for reading my story.**


	2. CHAPTER 2: Welcome to Hell

CHAPTER 2:

Welcome to Hell

_"When one is unable to love, has lost love, or simply cannot feel love._

_That is when we accept that there was never a place called heaven._

_That there was only Hell."_

Emily was worried, but not because of the pop quiz – she knew all the answers to Ella's questions so there was nothing to be worried about – nor was she worried about the recent development about Alison's death. The black haired beauty was worried about the brunette that was sitting next to her.

Ella just asked them the final question for their surprise exam of the day, Emily was done writing the answer even before her teacher could finish her question. So this gave Emily enough time to recheck the things that she wrote on her paper. As soon as she was finished double checking her paper, Emily made a peek at Hanna's direction. Emily almost chuckled to see her blonde friend's difficulty at answering it, knowing Hanna, she should have known how little of a time her friend spent to study about American History so it didn't really gave her much of a shock to see her in that status. Aria, to her observation, was about to finish answering, too, although she seemed unsure of her answer so she turned her attention to Spencer.

Spencer, when she came in, didn't really looked so well that day. And that made Emily and the others a little worried about her. She wondered what happened to her. Ella stated earlier of her appearance, now looking intensely at her friend, she noticed that the earlier remark was no exaggeration. She really did look pale. But, as she paid her friend more attention, she noticed the brunette's deadpanned expression at the paper in front of her. Emily wondered why she was staring at her paper like that, usually Spencer would still be writing – giving a very detailed answer that often gives their teachers a migraine for how perceptive the brunette was – and would only put her pen down once their teachers called them to pass.

To Emily's shock, the supposed to be filled-with-long-answers paper was a complete blank. Her eyes darted a questioning look at Spencer's direction.

"Spencer?" Emily called her friend in a very quiet voice to prevent the other students from hearing her. Spencer's figure flinched weakly at her seat. Emily knew that by her reaction, her friend was trapped in a deep thought. The brunette abruptly glanced at Emily's direction with a startled look.

Before Emily could even say a word regarding the empty sheet, Ella stood up.

"Class, put your pens down." Ella called to them. Everyone did as she ordered while Emily was too confused as to what she was going to do. One of her best friend was about to have a failing grade for not answering a single question, and it wasn't just anyone it was Spencer. Spencer!

"Before you pass your sheets and leave the classroom I just want to remind you about your reading assignments. Please read. Not just the title, but the whole chapter. Thank you." Ella said before collecting the students' answering sheets.

Spencer stood up and was ready to pass her paper to Ella when Emily suddenly grabbed her by the arm. Hanna and Aria stopped at their tracks as they watched their two best friends' silent interaction. Emily was staring at Spencer with a questioning look while the other was staring at the hand that was grabbing her.

"Emily, what's going on?" Aria asked, breaking the two girls' exchanging of looks.

Due to Aria's interruption, Spencer took the opportunity to free herself from Emily. The raven haired beauty quickly tried to stop her from passing the empty piece of paper but she was not quick enough.

When Spencer placed the blank paper atop of Ella's desk, a confused look was placed on her face. Spencer didn't bother let her teacher ask her a question nor speak a single syllable. She just left the room quietly without giving any of her friends a chance to ask her what was going on.

"Emily what was that?" Hanna demanded but Emily just shrugged her shoulders.

Ella stood up and approached the three girls. "Is there something that you want to tell me, girls?" she asked, Aria stared at her mom with a confused look.

"What made you ask that?" she asked her mom.

Ella handed her a sheet of paper with only a name written on it, Aria looked at her bewildered but gave the paper a quick glance.

"Spencer Hastings." Hanna read aloud before looking at Ella. "Is there something that we should figure out about it Mrs. Montgomery? Because I don't understand what's going on."

"I am as confused as you are." Ella stated, concern audible in her voice.

"What's this paper have to do with Spencer?" Aria asked.

Ella sighed. "Spencer... this is Spencer's answer sheet for today's pop quiz." she told them, her eyes hungry for explanation.

"What?" Both Hanna and Aria exclaimed. Emily just bowed her head in confusion.

"Can you tell me what is going on with Spencer." Ella demanded. "Is something troubling her? Because, if I'm not mistaken, she just purposely failed a quiz."

Emily hesitated as she stared at the written name on the paper. There was definitely something wrong with Spencer and, for some reason, her guts told her that whatever it was, it wasn't pleasant.

* * *

Spencer glared angrily at her own reflection at the female's comfort rooms. She was alone at that moment, the girls didn't follow her. Well, they did but then decided to attend their respective classes instead and hoped to get an explanation from her during break. But Spencer already knew what they were planning, and therefor, instead of staying at school, she decided to leave. Go to the place where no one would reach her.

Spencer sat quietly as she watched the moving vehicles roam around the town. The buildings, the cars and everything visible in sight looked so small from her location. She was sitting by a fallen trunk, her current location was atop a hill overlooking the whole town of Rosewood... it was 'their' spot. Well, not anymore.

Her phone buzzed, snapping her from the quiet trance. Emily's name flashed on the screen. Spencer glanced at her watch and noticed that it was lunch now. She sighed. The girls are probably worried about her.

The brunette pressed the accept call.

"Spencer?" Emily's worried voice filled the other line. "Spencer where are you?"

"Emily..." Spencer started but ended up not saying another word.

"Spencer." This time it was not Emily anymore on the other line, and this resulted for tears to build up in her eyes. She was making all of her friends worried about her. "Where are you Spencer? Are you alright? Spencer?" a long pause followed. "Spencer please say something."

Spencer contemplated for a few minutes before finally surrendering. "I'm fine Aria."

She heard Aria release a sigh of relief from the other line. "Good. Where are you right now? Do you want us to meet up with you?"

"I... um..." Spencer stuttered. "I want to be alone. For now."

There was a long silence from the other line before Aria's voice echoed again. "Sure. If that's what you need. Just..." she paused again. "Just remember that we are here for you Spencer. No matter what. We'll always be there for you. You know that, right?"

Spencer's heart suddenly tightened at her friend's words. "I know." she said weakly as her voice cracked at the end.

"Give us a call if you ever need someone to talk to. We'll be waiting." Aria said and after a few seconds, the call ended.

Spencer wanted so much to tell the girls about her recent discovery. She wanted them so badly informed but she needed to be sure of what she saw first. There was a part of her, a large part of her, that believes there's a reason behind it. That there's good in Toby. And that he loves her. And as long as she knows that he loves her, Spencer will never rat Toby out. Spencer will hold on to that hope no matter what... even if it means lying to the girls forever.

* * *

It was nightfall when Spencer decided to leave her current location. When she approached her car she noticed that her car's rear window was forcefully rolled down. A note was lying on the back seat with withered flowers underneath it.

She was about to take the note when a sudden rustling from the bushes caught her attention. Spencer ran towards the noise.

Spencer clutched her chest. Her heart was pounding hard. She was alone in the darkness enough reason for her heart's reaction. But Spencer knew that there was another reason why her heart was throbbing so fast. And the thought of it resulted again for her to feel a painful stab in the heart.

"Toby?!" she managed to cry after summoning enough strength as tears started to prickle in her eyes. "Toby is that you?" her voice pleading, as she turned to any possible direction Toby would appear. "Please, Toby, if it's you please... please come out." she cried again with all her heart out but no one answered her. The silence was deafening as her heart raced faster.

After a long heartbreaking silence, Spencer, in a distraught state, finally decided to go back to her car. When she entered it, she immediately switched the lights on before grabbing the note. The moment she opened it, her heart squeezed tighter.

The piercing feeling in her heart suddenly became more profound, unbearable to a point that Spencer couldn't see clear anymore. Breathing suddenly became difficult, black dots suddenly filled her already blurring vision. Spencer knew that she couldn't make it home at this condition of hers. She needed someone to drive her home but before she could dial one of the girl's number, Spencer tore the note before shoving the ripped pieces of paper inside her bag. She dialed Aria's number.

After a few rings, Aria finally picked her phone. "Spencer, I'm glad you-"

"Aria." Spencer's shaking figure managed to say through a hyperventilating state. "I... I can't.. breathe."

"Spencer?!" Aria said, alarmed at her friend's condition.

"What's happening?" Spencer heard Hanna's voice from the background.

"Is Spencer okay?" Emily also called.

"Spencer where are you?" Aria demanded, ignoring the two girls.

Spencer forced two words through her gritting teeth. "Lookout...point..."

"She's at the lookout point." Aria said to the other girls on the other line. "Spencer we're on our way, okay." she confirmed the crying girl. "Inhale, exhale. Okay, Spencer?"

Spencer nodded instead, she couldn't manage to make a sound anymore.

Alarmed when she didn't get a response, Aria called out her name. "Spencer?"

"Hurry..." was the last thing that came out of her mouth before everything around her faded away.

Frantic screams from the other line kept on calling her name, but Spencer's mind already flew to another land. A land where there was no light, happiness or love, where darkness, sorrow and despair prevailed. A place where no one dared to go. A place called hell.

* * *

**Hello! So there it is. The second chapter. Hope you guys like it.**

**Please tell me what you thought of this chapter.**

**I know I didn't write what was written in the letter but that's my cliffhanger. I'll be revealing the content of the letters on the upcoming chapter, but not necessarily on the second chapter.**

**Anyway, thank you for reading my story. Please continue reading it, it will mean much to me. And, if you ever have a chance, please review. I'm open to criticism.**

**By the way, I want to say thanks to the people who favorited, followed and even reviewed my story. Thank you. And to whoever paid a visit to my story. Thank you!**

**Once again, thank you!**

**God bless.**


	3. CHAPTER 3: You are Now Entering

CHAPTER 3:

You are Now Entering: State of Disarray

"_They say one's mind can only process too much_

_Until the mind can't handle it anymore_

_And ends up in a complete state of disarray."_

_She looks broken._ Aria thought to herself as she watched her unconscious friend resting peacefully on the hospital bed. This was the very first time that she'd seen the girl in this state. Aria wondered what could have been the cause of all these. She couldn't think of any possible reason that would make any sense. _Was it A?_ She asked herself, but she knew it wasn't even feasible. Spencer would never let herself be that much affected by A. Spencer was strong, or was she? She knew that her brunette friend always tried to keep a brave face on for them, that somehow caused them to feel accustomed to never ask Spencer how she really felt.

Aria caressed Spencer's face gently as she continued to watch her in her deep slumber.

Standing by the doorway, Hanna was the first one to break the silence. "What do you think happened?" she asked, concern visible in her voice.

Emily, who was sitting at the edge of Spencer's bed, glanced at her before shaking her head.

A clueless sigh escaped Aria's mouth. "That's what we need to find out." she sighed again and turned her head to Emily's direction. "Did her parents say anything about when they'll be here?"

"Her mom called to inform us that she's already on her way here. Meanwhile, her father.." Emily paused as a disappointed look crossed her face. "... well, you know Mr. Hastings."

Hanna shook her head in disappointment. "Typical of him. Business over family." she hissed. "I don't really understand how Spencer could even live under the same roof as him. And here I thought I had daddy issues."

"Hanna." Aria stopped her.

"What?" the blonde said, her voice raised to an octave. "I'm just stating the truth. If there's someone who deserves to have a happy family, it's Spencer. She's the one who is doing her best to keep her family intact in that hell hole of a place she calls home. She's done everything they wanted her to do, and, yet, look! Nobody's there for her when she needs one. You call her family dysfunctional, I call it nonexistent."

"This isn't really a good time to talk about this." Emily said, hoping to shut Hanna's mouth.

Hanna surrendered. "Fine. I'm not gonna talk about it. But I'm just saying Spencer deserves better."

"Who doesn't?" Aria said as she gave Hanna a understanding smile.

Several quiet minutes later, a doctor suddenly entered their room. His curly brown locks took them all by surprise.

"Wren?" Hanna shrieked in surprise.

The British doctor looked at the girl sheepishly before giving her a warm smile. "Hey Hanna." he greeted and then turned to the others. "Aria. Emily." he said, still wearing that boyish smile of his.

"What are you doing here?" Emily asked him, surprised at his sudden appearance.

Wren gave her a surprised look. "Why wouldn't I be? I'm the doctor."

Emily shook her head instantly. "No... I mean..." she stammered. "Weren't you assigned at Radley Sanitarium?" she asked.

"Wait, where do you really work?" Hanna added.

The doctor chuckled at their questions. "Well, as much as I want to answer all of your questions, I really need to do my work." he grinned before giving the girls a curious look. "By the way, how on earth did you get in here? Spencer's forbidden to have visitors until one of her parents gets here."

The three girls exchanged glances at each other, Wren noticing it made another chuckled.

"Don't worry, I won't tell." he said, amused at the three girls. He reached for the charts as she checked her status.

"Wren, I mean, Dr. Kingston..." Aria started.

"Wren's fine." he affirmed the girl.

Aria smiled shyly. "Wren, what really happened to Spencer? I mean, she just fainted, what's with all the IV bags and no visitors allowed rule?"

Wren placed the chart back to its place before studying the girls' faces. "Look, Spencer's may have just fainted but she still needs medical help and some rest. We found out that aside from too much oxygen in her brain, Spencer was also suffering from dehydration." he smiled weakly. "It's not really that grave it's actually really mild but, and it's hospital rules. She has to stay confined for a day, and then off she goes."

"Oh." Aria said.

"Yeah." Wren smiled back. "Well, if there's no more question. I have other patients to attend to." he said. "And you should go home now. Visiting hours are almost over, and considering Spencer's situation, you really aren't supposed to be here."

Hanna jumped off her feet. "Yeah. We'll keep that in mind."

"I'm serious." Wren said firmly as he stood by the doorway.

"And so am I!" Hanna exclaimed before sighing in defeat. "Fine, we'll leave. Come on." she called the other girls. Wren left the room soon after.

Emily gave Spencer's hand a soft squeeze before following Hanna outside.

"Get well soon, Spence." Aria whispered weakly and planted a kiss on the girl's forehead. She gave her one last glance before she finally closed the door behind her.

Aria hoped that once Spencer wakes up her friend would open up to them and tell them what she was going through because seeing their friend so vulnerable and broken hurt them more than they thought it would. Seeing Spencer like that was too unbearable for them that worrying about it was not even enough. They knew Spencer, they knew how she prefers to keep some things to herself and let herself suffer alone but they were not going to let her do that to them. Not in this state of hers. Giving them the silent treatment earlier today was too much, what else if she fully ignores them. They needed to learn what happened to her before she fully shuts them out.

* * *

Spencer woke up, totally unaware of the sudden events that she has been through. The only thing that crossed her mind was that she was in a hospital, lying on a hospital bed, wearing a hospital dress in a completely empty hospital room. In short, Spencer was alone in the hospital when she woke up. The realization of that hurt her more than she expected.

Wren was doing his lasts rounds when he paid Spencer a visit, surprised that she was awake when he got inside her room. Spencer saw him enter but ignored his presence nonetheless. She wasn't in the mood to have _fancy_ conversation with anyone at the moment.

Noticing her coldness, Wren ignored it and tried to start a small talk with her. "Did you get enough sleep?" he asked. Spencer glanced at him for a short while but gave him still the silent treatment. Wren just chuckled it away. "Veronica was just here but she got a call from her firm." Spencer nodded her head expectantly the moment she heard her mother's excuse for not being there. "The girls were here, too, but I had to send them home, considering you weren't allowed to have visitors back then."

Spencer looked up at him, her mouth opening at his confession but closed it afterward.

Wren gave her an amused look before adjusting the IV drops. "You look pretty exhausted. I think you should get back to sleep."

"I think I had enough sleep. I don't think I'll anymore." Spencer answered coldly without looking at him. Her eyes on the needle that was injected at the back of her hands. "What's with the IV? I just fainted, didn't I?"

"Not just." Wren smiled weakly, satisfied that she finally answered him. "You were pretty dehydrated, too." he said and gave Spencer a serious stare.

Spencer looked up at him, a strange look crossed her face. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You're too smart to play dumb, Spencer." he stated as he walked to the side of the bed. "Your results showed a high content of alcohol in your bloodstream. Too much alcohol is not really good for the body. Especially with an empty stomach." Wren noticed Spencer's irritated expression. "I haven't told anyone about it, if ever you are wondering."

Spencer glared at him. "Why haven't you? It's your job, I wouldn't mind it." she said in a not convincing tone. She sounded completely pissed to Wren's interpretation.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too but I wanted to check things first before telling your parents." he explained. "But I think I got the answers to that now."

Spencer looked at him, confused. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Spencer, I may be just a doctor to you, but I know when one's state of mind is in disarray."

Spencer shot him an angry stare. "Did you just call me crazy?"

"No, I called you pissed." he defended. "I still remember your way of coping up whenever you face a really hard situation."

"That was once, so skip to the end, would you?" Spencer snapped at him. "I'm not in the mood to have a friendly conversation with you."

Wren nodded his head. "Fine. I'll skip to the end for you. Let's see if I'm correct." he said and sat on her bed, Spencer send daggers at his move. "Your mother was here, your friends too, and Melissa hasn't been in Rosewood for quite a while so I'm going to cross her out." he said, Spencer catching up to where he was going with his talk. "Aside from your father not visiting you, there's another person who hadn't paid you a visit. The carpenter."

Spencer closed her eyes at the word carpenter. The thought of _him_ pierced her, but knowing that he didn't pay her a visit was like tearing her heart apart.

Wren tried not to show his emotions when the brunette beauty kept quiet. That only meant something, and even though he didn't want to admit this to himself in front of the hurting girl, he was glad that the two were not together anymore.

"I was right then." Wren whispered as he peeked on Spencer's reaction. He was hoping that she would bash him, but to his surprise, her beautiful hazel orbs were focused on him.

"Please don't tell my parents. About me drinking." was the words that escaped her mouths, totally ignoring his observation. This was worse than he thought. Spencer was in denial.

But he shrugged his worry towards the girl away before nodding. "I won't but I need you to be honest with me." The girl sighed but let him continue. "You and the carpenter, I mean, Toby. How long have you two broken up?"

Spencer's eyes turned red due to her struggle to prevent tears from forming. "Friday evening. Of last week." she finally admitted after a fat couple of seconds.

"And you spent, what? The rest of the weekend drinking?" he asked, his voice mocking her.

Spencer was not happy at his accusation and therefor turned her attention away from the doctor. "I want to be alone." she said, her voice pleading.

"Of course." Wren nodded and stood up but before he could leave, he studied Spencer for a couple of seconds. "Spencer." he called, the brunette did not turn at his direction. "If you need someone to talk to, I am here for you. Always." he whispered before finally leaving her alone in the room.

Tears started to spill as his words sunk in Spencer's mind. It was too much for her. She couldn't let anyone worry about her anymore. She needs to move on. Though, there was one question. How?

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**And that's a wrap for the third chapter. Hope you guys like it.**

**Please do write down your thoughts. Hoping to get more opinions from you guys.**

**Thank you for reading my story. **


	4. CHAPTER 4: The Room To DAMN Nation

CHAPTER 4:

The Room to DAMN Nation

"_When one loses hope_

_Hell is where their path leads_

_And thus they will stay there forever_

_For damnation is their peace"_

Spencer was released from the hospital the afternoon of the following day, and since it was class hours the girls decided to pay her a visit after school. They bought comfort foods, flowers and even some books from authors that Hanna had no idea about. The books were mostly about dead famous leaders, and just the thought of that bored Hanna to death.

"Look, what if we call her first?" Aria suddenly asked.

"We're already here Aria. Don't you think it's a bit too late?" Hanna said, pointing to the Hastings' front door.

"Why do you think we need to call first?" Emily, on the other hand, demanded.

Aria shrugged. "I don't know. I just thought that maybe she'll ignore us."

"She won't." Hanna assured her. "Besides, we're already here. She can't just send us home after coming all the way here with all these stuffs. By the way, can I have a piece of this chocolate, I'm kinda starving." she admitted as she pointed to the chocolates that was inside Emily's food basket.

"No, you can't. They're for Spencer." Emily said and pulled the basket away from Hanna's reach.

As Aria reached for the doorbell, the door suddenly flew open. To their surprise Spencer's mother was at the door.

"Hello, girls." Veronica greeted them with a weak smile on her face. The girls noticed how she was in a hurry putting some documents in her bag. Hanna mentally sighed. Spencer's parents really were the worst. "Spencer's in her room. You can stay for dinner if you want, I cooked some pot roast chicken."

"Chicken, wow." Hanna internal growl disappeared as the thought of eating made her stomach churn in starvation. "Now I'm hungry. Thanks Mrs. H!"

A screeching noise suddenly took their attention, their faces making faces due to the uncomfortable sound.

"What was that?" Emily growled as she clapped one hand over her ear.

Veronica sighed without looking at them, a hint of sadness crossed her face. "Spencer's been doing some renovation in her room all day. She hasn't stepped out of there since we arrived home. If it's possible, could you tell her to eat something. I tried my best but she kept ignoring me."

"We sure will." Hanna assured her. Veronica gave Hanna a smile at her appreciation before heading towards her car.

When Emily closed the door behind her, she could smell the aroma of the freshly baked lasagna all over the house. It smelled pretty delicious considering how little a time Spencer's mom really paid in household chores... and mother chores.

"You go ahead. Me and my tummy needs to solve the hardest problem on earth, starvation!" Hanna giggled as she made her way to the oven.

"Hanna!" Aria hissed at her.

"What?" the blonde asked.

"That's the most insensitive thing you've ever said." Aria said to her.

Hanna surrendered. "You are such an environmentalist." she commented.

Aria rolled her eyes. "Humanitarian, Hanna." she corrected her.

"Guys, come on." Emily called upon them.

As they reached the upper floor, they could hear excessive movements coming from Spencer's room.

When they stopped outside Spencer's room, the view before them caused the girls to give each other a stupefied look.

Spencer was in the midst of moving her four-columned bed with so much difficulty when she noticed her three friends standing by her doorway.

As much as she was taken aback by what Spencer was doing, Emily was able to manage to disrupt the awkward silence by clearing her throat.

Spencer still surprised by their sudden visit, tried to compose herself as she stood up and distanced herself from her bed. "What are you doing here?" Spencer said in the most welcoming tone she could do but for some reason, the girls noticed that her voice sounded lower and raspier than usual.

"We brought you... get-well gifts?" Emily said, unsure if their brunette friend was in need of any of those comfort food.

The brunette glanced to the basket Emily was referring to before forcing a weak smile on her face. "T-Thanks." she uttered as she approached them to receive their gifts

"Here." Hanna butted in as she handed her a stuffed toy while Aria gave her a small bouquet of flowers. While she gave Spencer her stuffed toy, she noticed that something was missing in the brunette's room. She just didn't know what.

"You really got us worried." Aria smiled sweetly.

Spencer gave them another weak smile before putting all of her presents on top of an empty desk and returning her attention again on her bed totally ignoring them.

Hanna, who got really uncomfortable with the silent treatment, finally got sick of it and decided to demand Spencer for an answer.

"What is going on with you?" the blonde demanded, Aria and Emily stared at her while Spencer just froze on her tracks. Hanna snorted. "Are you seriously considering ignoring us for the rest of your life? Gee Spencer."

"Hanna?" Aria stopped her.

"What?" Hanna snapped at her. "Have I said something wrong?"

"No, you haven't." Spencer finally replied. Though she wasn't looking at them.

"Then why are you treating us like this?" Hanna demanded.

Spencer sighed. "I'm not treating you any differently, Hanna."

"Are you sure? Because we don't see it that way." Aria butted in before sighing. "Spencer, we're your friends! You cannot just shut us out so suddenly without us not even knowing what is happening to you." she paused and stared at her dear friend with a demanding glare. "What happened?" she said in her most serious tone.

Spencer didn't want to cry because she knew if she let just a single tear drop then she will start crumbling down again and she couldn't afford them seeing her like that. But Aria's words were too much for her that even though she already built a wall around her heart, she still ended up bursting into tears.

Aria, Emily and Hanna, all shocked at Spencer's sudden breakdown, ran towards her side and wrapped her in a comforting hug.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. I didn't mean to..." Aria started but Spencer stopped her.

Spencer was shaking her head. "It's not that."

"Then what is it, Spencer?" Emily asked in her sweetest voice.

Spencer gulped before looking them in the eyes. "Toby..." she stuttered.

"What happened to Toby?" Emily demanded, her eyes bulging with worries.

"Toby and I..." she closed her eyes as the heartache started to resurface again. "We broke up."

Hanna gasped. "Oh my God." she said and glanced around the room. Now it finally sunk into her. The pictures of Spencer and Toby that were once scattered around the girl's room were missing and so was the beautifully handcrafted rocking chair that Toby made just for her. Hanna always envied the couple of how perfect they were. If there was someone who was going to end up spending their lifetime with their special someone, Hanna always thought it would be Spencer and Toby. Their love was so genuine that even she and Caleb, Aria and Ezra or Emily and Paige could never compete against. So, how did this relationship ended up with them breaking apart?

Aria watched the brunette with tearful eyes. She couldn't fathom the sight of a crying Spencer. Among them four, Spencer was her closest friend. Aria knew that if she was having a rocky situation with Ezra, Spencer would immediately be there by her side to make things alright. Spencer was always there for her, she was always the one to make things between her and Ezra clearer. But how come, now that it was Spencer who was having a problem, how come she didn't know what to do. She felt hopeless, and guilty for not being there when she and Toby broke up. She felt such a bad person for not even noticing how broken she was when Spencer entered their class the day before.

Emily didn't know what to say. She just wrapped her friend in a tight hug to comfort her, but how exactly was she going to comfort her? Her friend, who was always the strongest and most confident of them all, has now become the most vulnerable. And the thought of that made her lose hope. There was no way that she can comfort her. It wasn't her job. It was Toby's. And whatever happened between the two, Emily was determined to learn about it. She wasn't going to let her friend break down to pieces. She will not let anyone suffer the same way she suffered when she lost Maya. None of her friends deserved to lose the person they loved the most.

"What happened?" Hanna asked weakly which caused Spencer to flinch.

"You don't need to tell us if you're not ready." Aria said, giving Hanna a look, when she noticed Spencer's face turning paler than it already is. Hanna gave Aria an apologetic look.

Emily though, as dense and clueless as ever, made the wrong decision. "What did Toby do?" she asked then paused when she remembered the last cause why the two broke up. "Was it A? Did you break up with Toby because of A?"

The wound in Spencer's heart seemed to open up again when Toby's name was mentioned, but her pain was tripled when the forbidden letter was spoken.

_A is Toby_. Spencer sobbed in her head as she stared at her friends. She wanted to tell them but her heart wasn't ready yet. She wasn't ready yet to tell them. Because if she told them, then it is true. Toby is A. And just the thought of accepting that made her cry even more.

Emily interpreting that as a yes, clenched her fists. "We cannot let A do this anymore." Emily said and took out her phone and started to dial.

Spencer looked at her questioningly. "Who are you calling?"

"We need to tell Toby everything." Emily replied as she pressed the call button. "We're not letting A get to the both of you."

"No!" Spencer yelled and grabbed Emily's phone away from her. Pushing the cancel button on the process.

The girls all looked at Spencer with bewildered stares.

"Spencer?!" Hanna shrieked. "What are you doing? Emily is right. If A threatened you with something in order for the two of you to break up, so what? Just tell Toby the truth! A won't have anything on you anymore!" she said and grabbed Emily's phone. Spencer didn't know what to do anymore she just watched Hanna redial Toby's number.

"Please, don't..." Spencer begged.

"They're right, Spencer." Aria said, taking the two girls' side. "If Toby knows about A then he'll be aware of what may happen to him. He won't g-"

"I SAID DON'T!" Spencer finally snapped as she got hold of the phone from Hanna. The girls, surprised by Spencer's sudden reaction, looked at her with shock. "YOU CAN'T CALL HIM!"

"Why not?!" Emily cried, now raising her voice, too.

"Because!" Spencer shot back before distancing herself from the girls.

Aria tried to calm her down only to be rejected by her friend. "Spencer... we just wanted to help you." she whispered.

"I DON'T NEED ANY HELP! OKAY?" she screamed. "If you call him... I swear to God.."

Hanna rolled her eyes at the brunette. She hated it when Spencer was being difficult.

"What, Spencer? What are you going to do if we call him?" Emily asked, her voice filled with frustration.

Spencer turned her head away. "You don't want me to end that sentence, Emily." she said in her coldest voice.

For some reason, the brunette's words scared Aria to even hear what she was about to say. But, aside from that threatening tone, she was scared for Spencer. She was scared of the things that was happening to her friend. Because whatever it was that was happening to her, it was changing her. And Aria knew, that the change won't be good for all of them.

Emily sighed and grabbed Spencer by the arm. "You look at us when we're talking to you!" Spencer faced the raven haired girl.

Hanna released an exasperated sigh. _This is not going to end well._ Hanna thought as she watched the two. A difficult Spencer was bad news already but a mad Emily was worst, and if these two were going to argue and fight, then that's it. Everybody will need to go find cover because these two friends of hers are worst than Jenna and Ali combined once they snap.

"Emily stop." Hanna called to her friend while grabbing her shoulder. But, when Emily stared at her, she knew it was too late. Hanna raised her hands in the air and backed away.

Emily returned her gaze at Spencer, her eyes demanding for answer. "You are going to finish that senten-"

"Or what?!" Spencer snapped at her, not letting Emily speak any further. "Why do you always need to be such a pain in the ass?! If I needed any of you then I would have called you! But I didn't!" she paused and batted Emily's hands off her. "Why can't you just stop caring about other people's business?!"

"Because I'm your friend Spencer! We all are!" the other girl shot back.

"But I don't need one!" Spencer cried, she noticed how the girls taken aback by her answer but she wasn't going to withdraw what she just said because she didn't care anymore. "You said you wanted me to finish the sentence then fine, I'm going to tell you what you want to hear so badly." Spencer said coldly.

"Spencer, please don't." Aria said while shaking her head. She knew where this was going to lead and she didn't want to hear it.

"If you call Toby, I swear to God that I will never speak to you again. That I will forget that we were even friends. So do it." Spencer said ignoring Aria's plea as she shoved the phone at Emily.

Emily was speechless. She was too shocked to even process what the girl just said.

"Do it, I dare you, and if you do call him then this will be the last time that you'll ever have the right to call me as your friend." Spencer hissed.

"Are you..." Aria choked, tears filling her eyes.

"You're not serious about that, are you?" Hanna was the one who finished the sentence, still incredulous of the sudden events.

Spencer just stared at her. Her emotions unhinged by their begging tones. "Try me." was her only answer.

"Fine." Emily hissed and dialed Toby's number, the call was on speaker. This time Spencer didn't stop her anymore, and this scared them all.

"Emily!" Aria and Hanna both shrieked.

The phone was ringing and ringing and ringing but Spencer didn't bulge. She was just watching the three girls while they were staring at her. Finally, after a couple of attempts, the phone call ended without Toby answering it.

Emily closed her eyes, not wanting to make eye contact with Spencer. "Spencer..." she started but Spencer stopped her.

"You can leave now." Spencer said through gritted teeth.

"Spencer!" Aria pleaded while tears spilled.

"Leave. Now!" Spencer cried as tears started to cascade down her face while maintaining that cold facade.

"Are you crazy?! Are you really breaking up with us?!" Hanna said in disbelief, her eyes blurring because of the tears that were also forming in her eyes.

"I told you not to but you did it anyway." Spencer said coldly. "So, please. Leave. My. House. Now." she hissed as she pointed the door.

Aria wiped her wet face before heading out the room. Hanna gave her a disbelieving look before pulling Emily towards the doorway.

"Spencer. Sorry." Emily sobbed silently as she let her tears consume her, too.

The moment the three girls got out of her room, Spencer slammed the door. And before she even realized what she was doing it was too late. Cushions were torn apart, trophies were broken to pieces and pictures were crumpled up. Everything in Spencer's room became garbage. Just like her heart that was dirtied by the person she loved.

Taking a moment to herself, Spencer took out torn pieces of what seemed to be a letter out of her bag. The letter may be nothing anymore to some people but to Spencer, this torn letter was the answer to the never answered question. The question of whether what she saw that night was real, that there was indeed something more to the story about something that she didn't know. This letter answered everything. Staring at the pieces of paper assembled on the floor, Spencer cried once again as she read it for one last time.

_**Dear S,**_

_**Roses are red**_

_**Violets are blue**_

_**But even though you played dirty under the sheet**_

_**It doesn't mean he gives shit about you**_

_**You should have listened to yourself when you said that Toby was the devil**_

_**You may have believed in the motto 'first impression never lasts' but sometimes, first impressions DO last.**_

_**Oh, and by the way, Happy Anniversary.**_

_**Hope you liked the flowers. T chose them especially for you.**_

_** -A**_

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**Hello guys! So that's for chapter 4! Hope you like it.**

**Thank you for reading my story. I appreciate your reviews, follows and favorites. It means a lot to me!**


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